-- NEVER drink if you are pregnant.

-- NEVER drink (not even a little bit) before or during school if you have any class involving power tools or chemistry labs or the like. Somebody else could lose an eye or a hand because of you, and all the apologizing in the world won’t do any good. The time to undo the harm is before it happens, by not inflicting it.

-- NEVER drink before or during work hours at a job involving power tools, forklifts, or the like. Not even a little bit.

-- NEVER drink before or during work hours at a job you need, to support yourself or your family. Not even a little bit.

-- NEVER drink before or in court, whether you are on trial or simply testifying. Not even a little bit.

-- NEVER drink if you might need to drive a car afterwards. Not even a little bit.

-- NEVER accept a ride with a drunk driver. It’s your life, but the drunk driver is endangering innocent people, too. When somebody offers to commit a crime for you, one that may kill innocent people, you must decline the offer.

-- NEVER give anybody any shit about not wanting to drink. Among other reasons, they may need to avoid drinking to stay out of serious trouble. Offer a non-alcoholic drink “if you’re not drinking tonight.”

-- NEVER mix guns and alcohol. KTVA-TV Channel 11 ...Cached

But the little bit I drink won’t affect me.
Then why bother drinking it?

Look, if the authorities don’t want me to drive drunk, they shouldn’t shut down the public transit system so early in the evening.
When you drive drunk, you don’t just endanger the authorities and the potholes who voted for them. You also endanger people who did nothing to cause that situation.
Zoning and licensing regulations prevent somebody from opening a bar in your neighborhood and prevent population density from growing to the point where public transit would be feasible. The government’s malicious wrongdoing, not its failure to operate a public transit system later into the night, is to blame but is no excuse for you to endanger people who don’t deserve to get run over.
If a drunk driver runs over your mother, is that more the fault of the drunk driver, or more the fault of your mother because she voted for a city council candidate who opposes additional funding for the bus system? Think about that.

-- NOT RECOMMENDED drinking before or during school hours. This applies to high school as well as college. You need good grades to get into college, and a good understanding of the material you are learning. You have a choice. You can be a heavy drinker who stocks shelves at Wal-Mart, living in a rooming house, or you can be a light drinker with an engineering degree, a house, a yard, a car, a driver’s license. You decide.

-- NOT RECOMMENDED drinking before or during work hours. Filing may not be hazardous, but when they smell alcohol on your breath, you’ll be gone. Employers often use temp agencies to screen new workers, saying that the job is for one week only. When the week ends, they extend it if they like you, not if they don’t.

-- NOT RECOMMENDED drinking too much. You can die. Of course, it’s your life. Your best bet is to stick to low-alcohol products such as beer and wine coolers, at least until you have enough experience drinking. You can still get mighty shit-faced on these products, but you’re not likely to suffer alcohol poisoning. Drunkenness leads to hangovers. Moderation is better. One wise standard is to measure your rum before you pour it into your cola, with a one-ounce shot glass, which is approximately 30 millilitres. The rum is perhaps 40% alcohol by volume, as marked. You’re at a graduation party bidding farewell to classmates you’ve known since kindergarten. You’ve taken physics, chemistry, algebra, trigonometry and calculus. Can you figure out what 40% of 30 is? Don’t exceed 1 milliliter of alcohol per kilogram of your body mass. That’s a decent buzz. You measure your detergent before pouring it into your washing machine, why not measure your alcohol before pouring it into your body?

Avoid contests to see who can drink the most beer without puking, who can drink the most liquor without dying and who can lean out the tenth story window the farthest without falling out. Drink to enjoy, not to compete.

Remember that when you drink, you bypass one safeguard against the harmful effects of excess drinking: the drinking age. If your parents forbid you to drink, this may be because of the laws which the government never had any right to impose. However, you bypass another safeguard, parental protection. That leaves only yourself to limit your drinking. Don’t expect your drinking friends to provide much safeguard.

If you feel good after three beers, this does not mean you will feel four times as good after twelve.

-- RECOMMENDED: Getting laid has priority over getting drunk. Important things have priority over drinking. Prioritize.

If you and your buddies are drinking and somebody else wants to hang around with you, who doesn’t drink, and you don’t want that person hanging around, one polite explanation is, “We’re only getting together to drink, so if you don’t drink, there’s no point in our having you hanging around with us. If we were doing something else, like fishing at the riverbank, and also drinking, you could fish with us and not drink, but right now, we’re only getting together to drink.”

Alcohol is a recreational drug. Recreation has a time and a place. That time is AFTER the work is done, THEN comes drinking time. There WILL be times when you MUST NOT drink. Sometimes you will be looking forward to a drink, and things change, and you’re in a situation where you MUST NOT drink. If that’s a problem, get help.

When you are young and a chance to drink arises on an international flight, you might not get the chance to drink again for six months, so you feel you shouldn’t blow this chance. As you get older, opportunities to get a drink become more common. Get used to passing up opportunities to drink. [Then there were the high school kids who tried ordering beers from the flight attendant on TWA flight 800. They got shot down.]

You are not hurting the government by drinking under age. The only people who hurt the government are the people who kill its cops.

If somebody is putting somebody down for not drinking, tell them, “Like, in a free country, you drink if you want to, and you don’t if you don’t.”

If you know somebody who drives like a complete asshole, have them read this. ...Cached.

-- NEVER tell police where somebody got alcoholic beverages. If your brother got drunk and died, it’s his own fault, not the fault of the supplier.

Keep and pour the alcohol in one place out of view from the windows. Have some half-full soft drink bottles handy. If the cops knock, dump the alcoholic beverages down the sink and rinse the evidence out of the glasses. You didn’t want the rest of your soft drink. It tasted kind of funny, and you suspect somebody may have spiked it. No law against rinsing a glass after you drink from it, is there? Even if you’re drunk, that doesn’t prove you didn’t enter the house drunk.

A 355 mL bottle of beer at 5% alcohol by volume has approximately 18 mL of alcohol. If you stick to 355 mL bottles of beer or wine coolers at 5% alcohol by volume, simply count the number you drink. HOWEVER if you drink hard liquor, measure out the amount you pour into your drink. Many drug stores have medicine spoons you can use to measure 10 mL of fluid. If the rum is 45% alcohol by volume, for example, 10 mL is (like, duh!) 4.5 mL of alcohol so four fills, 40 mL adds up to 18 mL of alcohol, the same as one beer. Then it doesn't matter how much soft drink you mix it with, since it’s still 18 mL of alcohol.

-- NEVER take advantage of a female who is so drunk she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Let her stay the night on your sofa, then guilt trip her in the morning. Say, “I hope you didn’t take it as a rejection last night. I figured the right thing to do was to let you sleep it off, and then make sure you’re still willing.”

The key word there is, willing since that is the minimum threshold, not interested. If the answer is “no,” then apply the guilt trip: “It figures. A girl as desirable as you are would have to be drunk out of her mind to be interested in me.”

Since she remembers nothing about it, you can tell her about how you had to break her heart by refusing.

If this doesn’t work, then apply the other part of the guilt trip: “I guess that means I lose, because I did the right thing. Would you like some breakfast?” Bring her a glass of water because the alcohol may have dehydrated her. She may be hungry, in a hurry to get home for breakfast, so feeding her may take care of that.

-- If you are the female, there’s only so much you can expect a guy to do to chase you away. He is desperate to have his virginity cured. If you keep calling him a sweetheart, cuddling up to him, and offer him, there’s a point where “yes” means “yes”. If you drink and drive a car into innocent people, you are responsible. If you drink and get pregnant, you are responsible.

Sometimes your body is smarter than you. If you drink too much, your body may mark the product “Return to sender”. Do not try to supress vomiting. You are much better off with it out of you, than in you.

If you live in your parents’s home and you don’t want them to know you were drinking, lock the bathroom door, vomit and quickly flush, to minimize the exposure of beer odor to the ambient air. Spray air freshener.

Next time, don’t drink so much.